*sigh*
I feel like I am at a stalemate with my dolls. Perhaps it’s because I am low on supplies and I don’t feel any drive to make anything with what little I have left. Maybe it’s because I’ve tried too many things and I’m just bored…

It’s not that I’m bored with my dolls. I’m not. I love dolls, always have, I will never quit. A lot of people get into dolls later in life because they never did when they were little. Then there are a handful of us who just never stopped playing with them.

But now… I feel like I’m not improving much (even regressing!), I’m not helping people out much, I’m not making anything really new. I just feel idle.

Not many of my older doll friends share the same interest as me anymore. It’s hard to want to share with them when they do the “oh that’s nice” and continue on with whatever they were doing. I don’t want them to go on and on about what I’ve made. But it would be nice if they kinda actually cared what I did. Ya know? And I admit I’m doing the same thing. They will show me one of their new dolls. Yea it’s nice but … it’s not my interest so what else can I say? I feel so bad when I say it too. Or even worse, irked that they asked me. I’m not a very good friend in that way I guess. I do feel bad about that.

It seems doll people change… I guess. New dolls come up… new interest flare, old interests die out. Constant stream of flux. Sometimes friends move on to new interests and that’s cool. But I feel a slight animosity growing in me towards those people. Why it should matter to me, I don’t know.

Maybe I just feel misplaced. Where– who? are my friends? All the older doll people I knew disappeared– The ones I learned along side with. They moved onto different dolls, or moved out of dolls all together. I’m one of those personality types who really thrive in an active community where everyone’s doing, everyone’s learning. I don’t have that anymore and I’m really floundering. It’s kind of sad. Should I move on to something different too? Or should I just quit altogether?

I don’t want to stop doing 1/6th. The whole draw to those dolls is that they’re small enough and cheap enough where I can have many. And I can make any and every character I can come up with. My creativity flows from this. I can’t. I don’t want to. This is my niche.

Now I understand why Nina calls me from Ohio so often about her custom card making endeavor. She doesn’t have anyone nearby to give her immediate feedback, anyone to share in her triumphs or keep her going when things aren’t working out. I try hard to push her along but without me physically there, it’s tough for her and me. She keeps telling me she needs to find other card makers around her so she can really start to grow. And I tell her that she should, that my doll friends push me along and she could really benefit from having people like that around her. But now… I kinda feel I’m in the same boat as her. I need to find people to push me along too.

Most of the people at Lunar Ark, I don’t know who they are. Where they come from. Do they even know me? It’s kind of funny when people don’t believe that the VPF is my site. But it kind of saddens me too. My interest in that group is fading. As it might be obvious to some… I never post my new creations or current projects there any longer. It’s because I started getting the same “Oh good job! Keep up the good work.” And once again, I started doing that to people who I didn’t know. I thought that was awfully lame of me. So I stopped commenting on new dolls altogether. I look, but never comment…

I need critical comments on my dolls. I’ve been in art classes. You learn the most when someone tells you point blank “that’s wrong”. Hurts, yea, but at least you improve for the next time. I need people to critique my dolls. Someone to tell me that my doll looks fugly in that outfit, change it right away. I’m past the “Hooray you made a doll, you did it all by yourself!” stage and now I’m ready to move on to the detailing, and fine tuning.

Perhaps this is why Amora, the former LA founder, took her silent exit from LA. She wasn’t getting this sort of important feedback any longer. A lot of people see me as a teacher, but in all actuality, I’m just a student like everyone else. A senior maybe, but still a student. I know a lot, but no where near everything. I still need to learn.

I get irritated answering peoples questions over and over now. I never used to be that way. Half of me is like “Don’t you people ever learn!?” And then again, no they don’t– so someone needs to guide them. But there are so many who are just as knowledgable as me now because there’s a whole lot more information now then there was back when I was learning. I just don’t feel the need to be the one who steps up to the microphone anymore.

I get tired of struggling to get supplies. 1/6th has been for the most part, pushed aside for new things by these companies. I understand they’re a business and they have to do those kinds of things to keep up with things… but must they totally abandon their foundation products? Yes I suppose so. If Volks was once a garage kit company and is now more a doll company than anything else, yes I guess so. And the few new and cool products that they do have… to get them in any sort of timely manner you have to have an “in” with someone in Japan to get them without having to pay high shopping fees. I’m a student who’s income just plain sucks. I can’t afford to pay shopping fees on top of a retail price… And why on earth did the paint brush company who made the wonderful 30/0 mini-liner brushes stop making them? I will never comprehend some things.

And my painting skills. They are getting bad. Now this will be the one time I won’t be humble. I know I can paint well. Better than most. But as I go along, my eyeprints are getting simpler and simpler. Messier… And that makes me mad too. I kind of feel like some sort of old man who’s being surpassed by the younger generation. I feel through lack of practice, I am getting to the point where I can no longer compete (for lack of better words). What am I doing?

Just…

So idle.

And it’s frustrating.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting to get out from this post. Nothing really. I am not whining, I am not feeling sorry for myself or getting angry. This is more of a long exhale of letting go. I suppose I just wanted to share my worries and exasperations. I’d really like to see a remedy for some of this but I guess most of it can’t really be helped.